V-Day

I found this old article and remembered that people liked the history and the message so I am re-running it today.

You may not know that Valentine's Day originated in 5th Century Rome as a tribute to St. Valentine, a Catholic bishop. Originally, the Romans had practiced a pagan celebration in mid-February commemorating young men's rite of passage to the god Lupercus. Later, the Church found a more appropriate choice in Valentine, who, in AD 270 had been jailed and ultimately beheaded by Emperor Claudius for secretly marrying young men that came to him (marriage was banned from his empire at the time). During his imprisonment, Valentine fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. According to legend, his love for her and his great faith healed her blindness. Before he was taken to his death, he signed a farewell message to her, "From your Valentine." The phrase has been used on his day ever since.

OK, it’s a nice story and all, but in honor of the romantic day today, let’s get a little bit more down and dirty about the thorny issue of money and relationships. From those who are considering cohabitating, to those who are getting married and even to those who are already in long-term relationships, conflicts over financial matters have a way of starting small and escalating to dangerous levels.

Couples have often told me that if only they had more money, they would not fight about it. In my experience, the answer is not simply having more cash, because many wealthy people fight about finances. The reason is that money is more than a way of keeping score, it is power. And since for most couples, there's usually an imbalance right off the bat, the issue can be a lightening rod that brings out the worst in each of us.

The first step in approaching the unromantic topic of money is to do so when there is no particular issue at hand. How you discuss sharing financial responsibilities can often set the tone for how successfully you can understand one another and ultimately achieve your longer term financial goals. Start by being honest about how each of you has handled your financial lives in the past. You can often prevent money issues from becoming a point of contention in your relationship by acknowledging them right from the start. Talk about how money was handled when you were growing up. Share your feelings and fears about money: Were your parents terrible with money? Are you worried you'll make mistakes investing? Does the bag-lady image haunt you? Do you have a horrible pile of debt that keeps you up at night? Talk about what you hope your money will accomplish and what your priorities are.

Then together, you need to create a game plan and identify action steps to get you where you want to go. This will only work if you both buy into the plan. If one convinces the other one, then it will likely fail. Questions include, when do you think you want to retire? Do you want to pay for every dollar of your children's college education? And then the less lofty, but equally important issue of how can you develop a budget and track expenses to help you reach your goals?

Finally, if you really are having a hard time dealing with your money situation, bring in an unbiased party. (Note: this is NOT one of your parents!) A competent financial planner or CPA whom you both trust can help you define goals and create a strategy to meet them. A professional can also point out problem areas and mediate solutions.

Discussing money issues is not as romantic as a dozen roses, a big chocolate heart or even a lovely card, but it may be a way to minimize future angst over finances. Hopefully, with money off the table as an issue, there will be plenty of time for romance. Of course, it goes without saying that the one day you should not talk about money is February 14th!